Preparing Thanksgiving dinner never gets easier. I always start with lofty culinary goals based on recipes from “The Pioneer Woman” that include truffles and capers but end up scraping scorched gravy into a dish and hoping the turkey won’t give anyone food poisoning. 

Because of my poor cooking skills, I’m always looking for Thanksgiving hacks to make meal preparation more sunshine and less hurricane. I thought I’d share some tips I found to survive the food frenzy that is Thanksgiving.

Ask for help. Stop being a martyr. Don’t complain about having to do everything and then refuse any help. Give out assignments and not like “Can you bring one can of olives?” or “I need someone to pick up some napkins.” No. Ask someone to bring mashed potatoes or all the desserts or even the turkey. You don’t get a blue ribbon for Thanksgiving suffering.

Don’t make foods no one eats. Stop wasting time preparing “traditional” foods, even if it’s a recipe handed down from your quadruple-great grandmother. Especially if it’s handed down from your quadruple-great grandmother because there weren’t a lot of food options in the 1800s besides lima beans and fried hominy.

Use a mandoline to slice vegetables. Not to be confused with a stringed instrument from the 19th century, the mandoline slices onions, celery and carrots quickly and easily. The guest who finds the tip of my index finger in the stuffing wins a prize!

Make only one batch of dinner rolls. Homemade rolls are always a hit but now you can use them as leverage. Your grandson wants a second, hot-buttered roll? He’d better start washing dishes. Bonus hack: Purchase pre-made bakery rolls. You won’t get docked Thanksgiving points. I promise. 

Thaw the turkey in water. Not only will this leave you with a bucket full of disgusting waste water but then you can spill it all over the kitchen floor on Thanksgiving morning. Maybe don’t even cook a turkey. There are no Thanksgiving laws. Have chicken wings or spaghetti bolognese.

Spatchcock the turkey. If you insist on roasted turkey, watch a three-hour video explaining how to spatchcock the bird, which involves removing the turkey’s backbone so it lies flat and cooks quickly. (Sidenote: Who spatchcocked Utah’s governor and legislators?)

One tip said, “Use tongs to stem kale” and none of those words make sense together.

Use a Thermos to keep gravy warm. Gravy is notoriously dreadful when served cold. Trust me, I know. Grab your sister-in-law’s gallon-sized Stanley cup to ensure there’s hot gravy for the mashed potatoes. 

Use pre-made pie shells. People think pies need to be made from scratch to get that flakey, buttery crust. Baloney. Unless you’re a professional pie baker, do yourself a favor and buy frozen pie crusts. Right now. Even better, get delicious pies from the grocery store. 

Celebrate Thanksgiving dinner on Friday. There’s nothing worse than working three days and trying to fit in Thanksgiving preparation. On Friday, it can be a celebratory meal after everyone’s done shopping online.

Create a fun playlist. Before Uncle Jim can cue up the Jan. 6 prisoners’ chorus singing “The Star-Spangled Banner,” have a variety of tunes ready to go. Include everything from Bach to ZZ Top, to equally irritate every family member. 

Give yourself a break. I’ve overcooked turkey, burned gravy, made inedible broccoli-cornbread stuffing, forgot the cranberry sauce, dropped a pumpkin pie and used Tupperware lids when I ran out of dinner plates. No one cares. If you’re being judged for the way Thanksgiving dinner turns out, it’s time to find a new family.